I think what I struggle with the most is that I'm actually not as happy with my body as I thought I would be.
It's go time.
March 24, 2017. A day that I will never forget. I finally had my top surgery done. I remember being strangely at peace the morning of. So much so that the nurse thought I was TOO calm.
I truly was excited, though. I'd been waiting 5 years for that moment. Longer than that, really. Finally, I don't have to struggle with a binder every morning. I don't have to hide during the summer or be the odd man out. No more heat rash all over my body. No more breakouts. No more shortness of breath or sore ribs. This is it.
I'm now about 3 weeks out from surgery, and I'm finding myself a lot more self conscious now than I did even before surgery.
I'm not going out, I have nothing to wear.
None of my shirts fit the same because of how my body was with my binder on. I had a full torso binder, so it shaped my stomach/hips to be more masculine. Now, all I can see are my hips and my gut.
Don't get me wrong, I love my dad bod but maybe, just maybe, I can afford to lose a little bit of it. Some of my favorite shirts don't even button now.
What's worse is that I can't immediately go to the gym and start working on it, because I'm still in the recovery stages. I can barely lift the garbage to take it out or do the dishes, let alone try and go to the gym. I was always content with my body until now. I never thought this would happen.
I certainly don't want to be super ripped, but I would like to at least be at the weight I was at when I started testosterone, which is about 170-180 lbs. Currently I'm at 220, so I'm not far off.
Being in a weird head space is actually normal.
Something else that comes along with the post-op depression is being in a really weird head space about going through with it. I'd compare it to the feeling of selling something you didn't really care for at a yard sale. You didn't like it and wanted to get rid of it but for some reason a part of you misses it. This is normal, and it's okay. You've lived your entire life with this part of your body, now it's gone. You've accomplished something major, and you did it for YOU. Give yourself a high-five.
This surgery is damn sure something that I needed, but I'm thinking that I never truly could have been ready for it. I didn't know what my chest was going to look like afterwards. Heck, I'm still waiting to see if I end up with two nipples after this or if I lose one in the war. (R.I.P. to those of you who've lost nips in this battle).
This certainly leads into a whole new level of my transition. One that I didn't think was going to be so intense. I'm finding that I am learning to love myself all over again.
there is beauty in every struggle.
This is just another chapter in my book of life and oh how it's one of my favorites. There is beauty in every struggle. I know that I will learn to love my new body and I will be even more proud of it than I am now.
YOU CAN CALL ME DANISH
Writing about my life and experiences as a white, transgender, queer male.