Anyone who knows me, knows that I love being fashionable. I'm always matching and my shoes are always clean. What they may now know is how much time it took me to find the perfect outfit to wear that day. The outfit that fit how I felt. The one that matched my dysphoria and masked it.
Sometimes it takes me almost an hour.
There are days when I don't want to get out of bed because I know that nothing I put on for the day will fit exactly how I want. Not because I've lost or gained weight, not because the clothes may have shrank, but because I am still binding my chest.
On my worst days, it sometimes takes me almost an hour to find a shirt that looks good enough for me to leave the house and go to work. I've worn all of these shirts several times, I mean, I bought them because I loved them. There are days when I want to throw all of them out.
When I get dressed, there are two things I look for:
Each day is it's own struggle, and each of these days that passes teaches me to be a little more confident and love myself a little more.
What I wear and how I present myself is a direct reflection of myself. A 27 (almost 28) year-old trans* man that has been on testosterone since August 28, 2013. At first, I was afraid of wearing any sort of colors, because I didn't want any shadows or outlines from my binder to show. I absolutely hated white. While I felt more comfortable because I had my binder, I still hadn't grown into my confidence.
Fast-forward 3.5 years
Since I started binding, 6 months before starting hormones, I've always felt comfortable-yet not-at the same time. Sure, I present more strongly as male in public and no one questions me, but I'm wearing this miserable mesh/spandex tank top that looks like it would fit on a 12 year-old.
To be quite honest, I feel so much better now that I stopped worrying about binder lines and shadows. I've come to realize that cis-males also worry about their chests and how their shirts look. There are also some that couldn't give two shits.
What it comes down to is that there are SO many different body types and shapes in this world. All that matters is how YOU feel when you wear that button-down and suspenders, when you wear that white t shirt for the first time in months, when you wear your shorts that are above the kneee or your favorite pair of skinny jeans. Do you, boo. That's why the magical world of fashion is so great. It allows you to to feel fantastic, and look the part, too.
This is a huge thing you are doing, give yourself some credit.
Seriously, go you for being a bad-ass and showing the world who you really are. I know that sometimes your shell can be a bit thick, but it's never too late to break out of it.
And here, I share with you the many stages of Dane.
Love yourself. Be confident. Stay true.
YOU CAN CALL ME DANISH
Writing about my life and experiences as a white, transgender, queer male.