Dating used to be so simple before I came out. I didn't have to explain anything, nothing was awkward. If someone stopped talking to me, it was probably because of a bad pun or they found more interest in someone else. Now; I'm constantly worried about whether or not the person I'm talking to has read my profile or not so that they're "aware of my situation".
When I identified as a lesbian I did have some dysphoria, but it wasn't anything like it is now. I think (probably) one of the main reasons I've remained single for so long and haven't looked for anyone is because I'm almost afraid of the road that dating leads down.
I'm not opposed to dating at all, just a little hesitant. I've only been intimate with one person in the entire 4 years of my transition and I think it's starting to make me crazy.
I'm constantly over-analyzing myself, creating make believe scenarios in my head about what someone would say or do when I tell them.
Caution: Fragile contents
To be honest, I've never been one to do the whole "hook up" thing, so it's not as scary as it could be but when I'm intimate with someone I'm sharing the most vulnerable side of myself, as well as my body that I've worked pretty hard to love over the years.
Getting past the first stages of trying to talk to someone is tough enough when I tell them I'm transgender. After that it's typically one of two things; a game of 20 questions or I've immediately become someone's fetish/experiment.
So many times I've been flirting and everything seems to fall apart when I nonchalantly drop the "T" bomb.
I start hearing things like:
"Oh my gosh, I never would have been able to tell if you hadn't said anything! I'm so happy for you but I'm looking for a real man".
"I'm sorry, I'm not into women"
Uhhmmm... this is awkward.
"So you've changed completely into a man, or...?"
In the past I've tried dating online but as I get older, I'm finding that I have less and less time to be glued to my phone (unless I find the perfect person to send me memes all the time).
Before my transition I found it mildly difficult to find someone who interested me because my "type" was not often interested in someone like me. I was a "butchy lesbian" who was attracted to other masculine individuals. Now that I'm so far into my transition I'm finding that my dating pool has just about dried up because I've not been able to find anyone local who's caught my eye.
All I want/need is someone who vibes with me, accepts me for who I am (including bad dad jokes) and also someone who's not afraid of who I am.
YOU CAN CALL ME DANISH
Writing about my life and experiences as a white, transgender, queer male.